Why Befriending Yourself Is About More Than Self-Compassion

What needs to be in place before we can truly meet ourselves with kindness. and how to start building it.

Photo by Colin Heron Payne.

If you’re new to my email list, welcome to Befriending Yourself. I’m really glad you’re here. This Substack newsletter is a space where we explore self-compassion and the deeper inner work that supports it. This post is a little re-introduction to what it’s all about and where it’s heading.

It’s been a while since I’ve shared a post on here. Life got extremely full, and writing got shifted way down on the priority list. I’m choosing to treat this as a moment for self-compassion, and I’m grateful that so many of you are still here.

While I might not have been writing much for the past few months, I’ve done plenty of reflecting on Befriending Yourself: what it is, where it’s going, and how it can best serve current and future readers.

One thing became quite clear to me: this newsletter needs to be about more than self-compassion. That’s because, for many people, try as they might, self-compassion just isn’t accessible in the present moment.

There are too many things that block it, or other steps or practices that need to be put into place before it becomes possible to start exercising the inner kindness muscle.

The Inner Work that Makes Self-Compassion Possible

So moving forward, Befriending Yourself will still include self-compassion, and we’ll also explore other inner work that makes self-compassion possible in the first place.

Things like:

Mindfulness — learning how to notice what’s happening inside us without immediately trying to change it.

Nervous system regulation — understanding how our bodies respond to stress, and how to support ourselves when we feel overwhelmed or shut down.

Boundaries — recognizing what protects our energy, time, and well-being.

Curiosity — approaching all our thoughts, feelings, and reactions with interest instead of judgment.

Relating to patterns — seeing the habits and strategies we’ve developed, and relating to them with respect rather than frustration.

To paraphrase the Dalai Lama, compassion only becomes possible when we can connect with suffering—whether another’s or our own.

So, practicing self-compassion starts with turning toward pain. Only when we can recognize our struggles and tolerate them long enough to learn what we need, can we meet ourselves with kindness and care.

Wherever you happen to be starting from today, I’m glad you’re here for where we’re heading next.

With care,

Heron