Learning to Hold Yourself
How RAIN helped me become my own compassionate witness, and how you can start practicing it, too.
Last week, I wrote about how relational and psychedelic therapies helped me make a leap on my healing journey.
While they were critical elements that opened important doors on my path, the truth is that some of the most profound work I did happened on my own—after the therapy session or the medicine ceremony.
It happened silently, on a meditation cushion.
As humans, we’re built to live in relationship. To be connected and co-regulating with others.
Early on in our journey, and at different points along the way, it can be important to have an experienced guide who’s got our back.
Working with a relational therapist was huge for me in this regard. A big part of that work was having a reliable, caring relationship—someone who would show up for me consistently and offer me what I needed in a given moment.
But a big part of the path is learning to connect with and nurture ourselves. We can’t always rely on others to be there.
The fortunate ones got the chance to learn how to show up for themselves from parents or other caregivers who modelled self-care, compassion and nervous system regulation.
Many of us didn’t get a model for self-care. We weren’t held properly, so we don’t know how to hold ourselves.
I know that was the case for me.
Then, along came RAIN.
Connecting and Befriending with RAIN
RAIN is a meditation practice invented in the 1980s by Insight teacher Michele McDonald and popularized by my teacher, Tara Brach. It’s an acronym that stands for: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.
Here’s how each step works:
Recognize what’s happening in the present moment. This means paying close attention to your inner experience right now: any thoughts or stories present, emotions you might be feeling, and bodily sensations.
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is. In this step, we set an intention not to push away or cling to whatever is happening in the present moment. We might even choose to say “yes” to our experience, even if it’s difficult and our instinct is to offer a great big “NO.”
Investigate with curiosity and kindness. The “I” step invites a gentle inquiry into whatever we’re noticing. We might ask questions like: “What’s the hardest part of this?” “What most wants my attention?” “What am I believing about myself right now?” and “Are these feelings familiar, something I’ve experienced earlier in life?”
Nurture with care: In this step, we practice taking what we learned in our investigation and offering it to ourselves. We’ve identified the place that’s hurting and what it needs to heal. Meeting our need in that moment might involve sending a loving message inwardly to the part of us that’s suffering; placing a hand on the heart or offering other comforting self-touch; or imagining someone we trust holding us with care.
The practice is ultimately one of connecting with and clearly seeing our struggles, and then learning to befriend what we meet rather than reject or ignore it.
Tara added a fifth step to the practice called After the RAIN. She likens it to the way the world can feel after a rainfall—fresh, vibrant and alive.
The invitation here is to pause once again and notice what’s happening inside. Has anything shifted since you started? Is there a quality of presence, openness, wakefulness, or tenderness?
I’ve added my own adaptation to this to account for people who haven’t felt anything shift during the practice; who don’t feel more vibrant and alive, but perhaps unsettled, fearful or unchanged.
In this case, you might continue the Nurture step by offering yourself whatever care you need. If you can’t offer it to yourself, you might find someone you trust (a partner, friend, pet, therapist or spiritual leader) who can provide support.
Caring for My Anxious Part
I first encountered RAIN when doing an online course led by Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach.
But its power never really hit home until my seven-day online retreat, which I’ve shared about many times before.
Mindfulness teacher Stan Eisenstein (who later became my mentor in the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program) led the RAIN practice during that retreat.
Unlike a standard RAIN, which lasts about 20 minutes, this one took about 40 minutes, and we spent the extra time in the Allow step.
At the time, I was working with my anxiety, which manifested as extremely uncomfortable sensations in my solar plexus area. It was so hard to be with, but the practice asked me to try and allow it to be there without pushing it away, and, if possible, to say “yes” to it.
Allow invites us to try saying “Yes” to what often can be a huge inner “No.”
Here’s a quick practice that will give you a taste of Recognize and Allow (2 minutes):
Bring to mind a recent difficult situation in your life (on a scale of 10, choose something that’s around a 3).
You might visualize the scene, any words that were said or left unsaid, the beliefs you hold about it, and any emotions present.
Pay attention to what happens in your body, where you feel it most.
Try saying “no” to the sensation (or thoughts if sensations are hard to feel).
Now, try saying “yes” to it.
What did you notice with each approach?
As I lay there, saying “OK” to sensations I otherwise wanted to banish, I remember my body convulsing slightly as something broke open in me.
A memory of a traumatic childhood experience emerged that seemed to have a new sense of gravity to it.
I moved into the Investigate step with the ability to see this difficult part clearly and stay with it long enough to get curious.
The Investigate step revealed a part of me that was very hurt and scared. It was always on the lookout for danger and had a hard time relaxing.
What it needed from me was acceptance. He was tired of being rejected and blamed for my troubles. He wanted to be held with love and respected for all the hard work he’d done over the years to keep me safe.
This investigation continued through the retreat, and I naturally moved into Nurture. I spent a lot of time with a hand on my solar plexus, giving myself hugs, whispering messages of care inwardly.
As I’ve shared before, my anxiety went from being an old buddy with a lot of bad habits that I put up with to a terrified kid who needed to be held and loved.
Join our latest chat discussion: What’s one way you’ve been kind to yourself this week?
Where the Real Work Lives
What I’ve shared above is the full arc of the RAIN practice.
But what I’ve learned from my experience and training is that most of the work lives in the first two steps.
We can’t get curious about or nurture something when we’re stuck in resistance—fighting or fleeing what’s present.
Without learning to see clearly (Recognize) what’s actually here and consenting to it being there (Allow), investigation and nurturing aren’t even possible.
So this is where I always start, in my own practice and in working with others.
Next week, I’ll be sharing our monthly guided practice focused just on the Recognize and Allow steps—with a situation that feels manageable for you.